1. What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? — You’re just going to have to be a little patient.
2. Some people have difficulty sleeping, —, but I can do it with my eyes closed.
3. Man wore a condom the other way around. — He went.
4. How do you make a dog drink? — Put it in the blender.
5. Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? — Well they said the wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome! blue plus size wedding dresses
6. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? — It’s okay, he woke up.
7. Did you hear about the Italian chef that died recently? — He pasta way.
8. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil — a number 2 pencil.
9. A man is in a terrible car accident where he lost his left arm and left leg. — He’s alright now.
10. A lion will never cheat on his wife, —, but a Tiger Wood.
11. What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs? — A condescending con descending.
12. A book just fell on my head. — I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
13. Where did Mary go after the explosion? — Everywhere.
14. What do you call a cow with no legs? — Ground beef.
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? — Fsh
16. What do you call birds that stick together? — Velcrows
17. What happens to illegally parked frogs? — They get toad.
18. What kind of bees makes milk? — BooBEES.
19. Why was the tomato blushing? — He saw the salad dressing.
20. Why was the scarecrow given a promotion? — He was outstanding in his field.
21. Where do animals go when their tails fall off? — A retail store.
22. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the party? — He had no body to go with.
23. Why do cows wear bells? — Their horns don’t work.
24. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? — Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be Bay-gulls.
25. I once farted in an elevator. — It was wrong on so many levels.
26. What do lawyers wear to court? — Lawsuits.
27. What do you get from a pampered cow? — Spoiled milk.
28. How do you make holy water? — You boil the hell out of it.
29. Where do you drown a hipster? — In the mainstream.
30. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? — Because then it would be a foot.