1. What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? — You’re just going to have to be a little patient.

2. Some people have difficulty sleeping, —, but I can do it with my eyes closed.

3. Man wore a condom the other way around. — He went.

4. How do you make a dog drink? — Put it in the blender.

5. Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? — Well they said the wedding was okay, but the reception was awesome! blue plus size wedding dresses

6. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? — It’s okay, he woke up.

7. Did you hear about the Italian chef that died recently? — He pasta way.

8. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil — a number 2 pencil.

9. A man is in a terrible car accident where he lost his left arm and left leg. — He’s alright now.

10. A lion will never cheat on his wife, —, but a Tiger Wood.

11. What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs? — A condescending con descending.

12. A book just fell on my head. — I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

13. Where did Mary go after the explosion? — Everywhere.

14. What do you call a cow with no legs? — Ground beef.

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? — Fsh

16. What do you call birds that stick together? — Velcrows

17. What happens to illegally parked frogs? — They get toad.

18. What kind of bees makes milk? — BooBEES.

19. Why was the tomato blushing? — He saw the salad dressing.

20. Why was the scarecrow given a promotion? — He was outstanding in his field.

21. Where do animals go when their tails fall off? — A retail store.

22. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the party? — He had no body to go with.

23. Why do cows wear bells? — Their horns don’t work.

24. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? — Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be Bay-gulls.

25. I once farted in an elevator. — It was wrong on so many levels.

26. What do lawyers wear to court? — Lawsuits.

27. What do you get from a pampered cow? — Spoiled milk.

28. How do you make holy water? — You boil the hell out of it.

29. Where do you drown a hipster? — In the mainstream.

30. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? — Because then it would be a foot.